oh, hey...
i hope you are well today. if you so choose, you can read reviews i've written on some books I'm reading. mind the chaos in between...
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Hang the elephant.
“I don’t know anything about truth, but I know falsehood when I see it, and it looks like this whole world you’ve made.”
- mewithoutyou
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people
since when did it become the norm to treat each other the way we do?
i’m amazed at how we treat each other. we treat each other as if we have no soul. like plastic play things we can only touch and see, but never truly connect with. my friend Danny commented on how i treat my customers… he was amazed at how i know so many of their names and their stories. i’m not bragging, really, i’m not. my boss is just as good at this as i hope to be. and i still protect myself a lot… a kid asked danny and i for a ride tonight, but i got scared and looked danny in the eyes and shook me head no when the kid wasn’t looking. i do not treat people kindly for good tips, i do it because i find joy in knowing people and seeing their eyes light up when you know them well.
last night i sat up until God know’s when talking to a guy in my church named Obed. He’s from Puerto Rico and has a crazy story how he ended up here. he grew up very poor, but so alive and full of love. i don’t know how we got talking about our childhoods and comparing stories and laughing at crazy moments from the past. but i couldn’t stop asking him questions, i love people. it’s so amazing…
we both just kept laughing saying “how did we end up here!?”
it really is beautiful, the twists and turns our lives go through that lead us to the places we are now. if someone had told me of all the things i’d go through, I’d be in shock… i’m going to lose my father exactly one week before i turn 23?! i’m going to have an entire arm covered in tattoos… i’m going to deny God!?!? NO!! certainly not! i’ll never deny Him. but it all happened, and here i sit in a wonderful house with three great roommates in a city i once hated and craved to the point of tears to run from.
but it is the people, you see, that have have kept me here and sane. my friends, oh my wonderful friends, have been a true God-send to me. and i mean that whole heartedly. they are so much of how i experience God tangibly. i had a long talk with my roommate about this the other day. as we sat on the back porch during dusk, we shared stories of our lives and how we have come to know God today. we never thought we’d know our Father the way we do now. He truly is more tangible than i’d have ever thought.
but i still hate it. why do we treat each other the way we do?! why can we not treat each other as true humans, with hearts that feel and bleed the way ours do? have we become so numb? so jaded and bitter that we dare not touch or reach out to each other.
my mother once told me that she read a psychology article about how we all need physical touch, that it is healing. She was taking care of our very elderly great cousin… she had moved into a nursing home and was getting sicker and more mental day by day, but every day my mother would go visit her, she would make sure to hug her before she left. i think about that a lot, it’s why i love hugging people so much. we get so awkward about our own personal space. i can’t imagine being so awkward as to not want to hug people. i love when i have only met someone once and they give me a hug goodbye. when i shake peoples hands i shake them with both. when i sit next to people i never mind being so close that we bump into each other.
i hope i don’t sound like i’m bragging… i’m really not. i’m actually trying to share how broken my heart is for the state in which our culture has become.
come on people!! we are all broken and longing just to be loved! drop your guard! don’t you see?! they’re just as jacked up as you!
wouldn’t it be lovely if we all just stopped thinking and dwelling on ourselves and truly loved each other well. if we didn’t think twice about giving what we have to our neighbors. we didn’t think twice about giving someone a ride home or buying their meal. we went back to the days where we actually knew our neighbors and shared our sugar and flour. that was something Obed shared with me last night. he was in awe of how secretive and private our culture is. he was in shock at how we don’t know our neighbors and how difficult it was to get to know them.
i just want to love people well. that’s actually something i learned from my sweet brother. we used to sit up late at night talking about life. we lived together for a little while and there were so many evenings we’d both end up in the kitchen sitting on the floor playing with his dog and my cat talking about life. he taught me how to love people well. he used to just say “Kendall, just remember, above all else, love God, and love people the way you want to be loved.”
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#3
i’ve read chapter 3 one and a half times now. it’s a beautiful chapter… extremely inspiring, wakes up the soul.
i really do lack the words to explain the depth of importance found within this chapter.
often times i’ve pondered over this deep aching in my chest. wondered why it was there, why it cried out for God, and could only be satisfied by Him. mostly i wondered why it went numb occasionally, and then would come rushing back with a force unspeakable.
i’m in that moment now. nothing seems to satisfy me right now.
it is what it is. we were never supposed to be this far away from our Father. He didn’t design it that way, but we chose for it to be that way. and we can’t be angry, he warned us.
that sin… our flesh. our putrid flesh that rules our hearts and souls and minds with everything it’s got. it is that vail that keeps us separated. we shouldn’t be frustrated with the aching in our souls. the restlessness that keeps us hunting things down and trying to find joy. it should be rather a comfort, a slightly morbid comfort. that aching should be a sign that we are alive. it should be the reminder to spend time with our Father, or at least to be reminded that though God gave us worldly things to enjoy, they were never meant to take the place of Him. but they are so wonderful. their satisfaction is immediate, however fleeting it may be. we’re really very impatience creatures aren’t we?
i’m beginning to understand more and more why God said that it was better to leave us, to give us the Holy Spirit and leave us be… but merely just beginning. not a lot makes sense in my mind, i’m tired of thinking about every little detail and trying to figure out God. who am i kidding? did i really think i could figure God out?!
God is a lot more tangible than i ever thought.
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Quick thought.
Amidst all that is going on, I’m becoming more and more aware of how putrid our flesh is. How it controls and conflicts everything we think and do. I want to be rid of this. I want to be able to think clearly. I want to lose myself and only think of Christ.
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Chapter 2 for me and you.
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.” ~ Matthew 5:3
every time i have read this verse i have thought to myself “that’s awesome… i’m blessed when my life is a wreck.” but then that thought goes on to be something more like an internal dialogue:
“wait… is my life only blessed when it’s a wreck? well, it’s been kind of a wreck lately and things certainly did turn out well. but how do i have less of myself? i think i sort of did that when i broke up with Micah… myself would have clung on anyways. but what does that even mean? what is myself? oh great, so now in order for God to be in charge of my life i have to give up everything i love… is there anything i can do that i enjoy? ok i’m making this far more difficult…..”
in our current state of culture and progress in America, we never talk about giving things up. in fact, every thing is all about us, making our lives easier, more satisfying, more glamorous, more sexy, cheaper… me me me me me… i think the only times we talk about “giving some thing up” it is in reference to diets or quitting smoking or something of that sort to better our selves. but in the end, that too is about us. we have gotten this idea in our head that we will be satisfied through the best of things. but nothing is ever good enough, we always want more. Tozer talks about this whole idea telling us not to take it lightly. “There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in life.”
But Abraham knew God well. He had a son only because of the Lord… but his son started to take first seat in his life. So God tested him by telling him to take his son on top of a mountain and offer him up as a burnt offering to the Lord.
How great would it be to know God as well as Abraham? to be so in touch with Him that you could go from one minute nearly slaying your “life” (Isaac) to the next being so in tune with God that you stopped just in the nick of time for no selfish reason at all, but because God commanded you.
i want to lose my life.
what is my “life?”
Tozer talks about the temple of our hearts… to remove things so that God may rule unchallenged there.
lose it, find it.
i’m in a season of finding myself right now. i’ve lost who i am many times before, but not for the sake of God, not to make room for Him in the temple, but to make room for man or things or education. what if i were to simply stop? stop trying to really find myself? would i then find it? My Father says i will.
oh these wretched inward possessions.
Abraham had this figured out. he was described as rich, but wise old men know the truth. He was rich, both financially and spiritually, but he could have cared less about the stuff surrounding him. his inner heart was free of these things.
So what is my treasure? Heck, what am i holding onto? There’s more to this issue than just physical things ruling our hearts. Fear rules my heart right now… but that is certainly no treasure of mine. as i sat here reading this chapter i was haunted by the memories of my dating past. that fear and anger has become the forefront of my heart. you’d see that first if you looked in.
i’ll let go of that as well as trying to find myself… hopefully and prayerfully.
